There was a time when my friend asked me to see a horror film with her, and I second guessed myself if I would go with her since I haven’t really seen the first installment of the movie. It was about a clown who feeds on the fears of the characters and scare them to death and then kill them. My friend convinced me enough that I would still understand the entire film even if I haven’t really seen its first installment. I was in full anticipation about the frightening parts of the movie, waiting for myself to scream from dread or respond like I am really watching a horror film. But then I ended up watching the movie in silence, as if suspended in a moment, because I got a sense that what I was seeing in the big screen are aspects of myself similar to those characters. I saw the film and received it in a different layer of perspective. Who would have thought that a horror film would be an emotional movie for me?
I saw in the characters what I actually feel when I recall the difficult memories that I once thought I cannot heal or integrate within me. You know that moment when you are just sitting in a chair, and the weather is fine, and the place is calm but your mind is in a memory lane that takes you in a difficult past, and it becomes more and more, and clearly darker and darker..And then you come back in the present moment realizing that minutes or even hours had gone by. Watching that movie, I recalled the version of me who would just freeze and be paralyzed in a second because my mind is flooded with things and memories from the past- those that haunt me, those that I would ask God for help because I feel like I can’t breathe when I think about them. I dunno about you.. but I think those characters are real life projections of people who experienced difficult or abusive relationships, who were bullied, or mistreated emotionally, physically or mentally in different forms by authorities, by the society, by the world or even by people who you thought would love and accept you. I think there are many people who experience that, myself included.
I guess what I am trying to say is that, I’ve experienced it on my own as well, and that it was not easy. It was so heavy and painful in the mind and heart. Some people would even get lost in the darkness because they can’t find their way out, and just suffer more. I think people have hidden wounds, and we end up attracting those who are wounded as well, or we end up hurting others because we never know how to heal our own.
To you who have experience a difficult past, or still experiencing it, trust that healing abounds. A friend of mine once told me to give myself the gift of closure. And it’s true, simply because you deserve peace of mind and heart. In your healing journey you will encounter that indestructible part of you that is untainted no matter how deeply wounded you think you are. You’ll feel its constant presence within you. You will see yourself capable of healing your own inner wounds, realizing you are the love that you are looking for. There is that day too when you will stand tall in full appreciation of what you have become after everything that has happened to you.
There is also that day when you would feel okay to tell your own story to others and more importantly to yourself without shame or guilt anymore. You will own your own story, and say to yourself ‘it was what it was’, and then take one more step forward. You would feel that sense of thankfulness because you know now that those experiences led you to feel your own power and see who you really are. And maybe yes, there will still be times when a small thing like a horror film could remind you of a difficult past, but you become better in unfreezing those paralyzing moments..because you know that you know better now.
Memories can be indelible. I hope you create more of those golden, delicate, and beautiful ones, as many as you can. Those that when you remember them, you smile or maybe even laugh. Create beautiful relationships and be mindful about your actions or words because they can build or destroy a life. They echo through eternity..Just love.