Where do I go from here?

I checked my drafts and saw this unpublished piece that I wrote on the sixth of March, 2016 at 5:16 pm. Reading this today in my room made me truly smile. The title I had for this before was “Where do I go from here?” and maybe at that time, I truly have no answer. I cannot exactly remember what was I feeling before, or undergoing before. And now, two years later all I can answer to myself is “self I don’t precisely know where, but for sure it’s going to be fun getting there, so relax”. 

oOo

[where do i go from here?]

There is this line in one popular love song  that says “where do I go from here?”

When people ask me about where will I go after doing the thing that I am doing today, I feel stagnant for a while. I feel weirdly weird about my feelings on the prospect of the word ”end”. It’s really easy to forget the now, once you entertain the idea of future.

But what if I’m finally done with what I do now? Really. Surely God has already prepared a beautiful path for me. And when I will be there in that path, I will maybe look back in appreciation with what will I write this time.

When I am done with this journey…

I will remember this, the strange bliss that I always get from my job as a young research apprentice. It is always pure bliss for me when I see my teachers. All the Sirs and Ma’ams.. They are the people who help me in my art. In the art of research that I truly love and admire.

I will never forget their words and teachings. Their encouragements and voice maybe.
I will truly miss the amazing emails that I get. One hundred years from now (hahaha, I hope I am still alive), my heart will remember them still. They shaped me somehow. When I get old and have my own family and friends somewhere in this planet, maybe I will come across a situation or circumstance that will remind me of them, of their voice, of their eyes, of their hands, of their smile, of their eyebrows, everything about the presence of them. And I will miss it. So I delight their words,presence ,joy, laughter, anger, their warmth in the present because I know that being with them physically is not forever. And because I know I will meet many more life teachers too. I cherish them.

I will miss my friends and co-workers. The farmers, the janitors, the guards, the accountants, the drivers, the clerks. They may not directly influenced me in super technical ways. Or they have in their own unique ways..But sure they were there in the whole process. I love them and their faces.  And their occasional anger too. Haha. They made me do great things. I love them.

I will miss my co-workers. They are joy to me and constant companion too. They are part of my growth and we were together in everything that we do. I love them too, always and forever.

It’s easy to cancel the goodness of the present when one is so overwhelmed with the past and the future. The secret is in the present, the say. I think, it is the way we connect with people. As they say, you will maybe not remember the technical things, but you can remember how they made you feel. I hope when they think of me, they will remember me as a good person who loves and admires them.

oOo

Ha! 🙂 I can finally set these written words free. Yip. I love all those who were part of that chapter of my life. There are several more people who I journeyed with in the following years after I wrote that, and I still feel the same appreciation and love  for them  today.  I spent my early twenties doing a project with them, living with them each day, and though my presence in that project is no longer needed, I know it will continue excellently. I have nothing left in my heart but appreciation. I love it, I love all of them. I really do. The cliche is true, the journey is the reward. Every single thing about that chapter, the good and the bad, I truly appreciate now. And if I may add, it’s the beautiful people in that chapter of my life who shared their time with me, who I laughed with, who I greeted good mornings and goodbyes every day, who I ate lunch with, who I cried with, who saw me in different seasons of my soul, that make me feel truly grateful and appreciative in the whole journey. 🙂 

 

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all for fun

My friend asked
So what’s your plan now?
I just smiled,
“I have no plan”
And then waved goodbye on her

Just now
I think I have my answer
“To just spend my time,
doing the funniest things I know”
That’s my plan.

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adam & eve

“To wheresover she was, there was Eden”
-Mark Twain

This lonesome line on a singular page  from “The Diaries of Adam & Eve” by Mark Twain literally gave me a reaction of ahhh.. (in the saddest tone) and then, pause. Pause for fraction of minutes. One sentence described it all. That’s how much he loved her and even more. And that’s the gravity of his grief too when she was gone. She was his Eden.

Not only that. On afterword section, I learnt that he wrote this in remembrance of Livy, his wife. Once more, my heart melted. It was actually more than I thought it was.

At the start it was— Eve was naturally loving and affectionate to all creatures and things around her. She knows how to flow her feelings while Adam is the opposite. At the start, all that mattered to him was survival and doesn’t care too much on loving what is around him in the same way as Eve cares. When he sees flowers, then they are just flowers, just like that. No big deal. Eve on the other hand describes them by color and feels them. She delights on everything. She delights discovery, naming things, and putting meaning on them. She feels. She cares. That’s her way of loving them. Adam can feel too, but not like Eve.

Eve made Adam feel what is love, not by teaching him, but by being the feeling itself. By being love. And so Adam set his eyes on her and then everything started. He finally felt what Eve feels. It’s like everything around him has no meaning, and then Eve came. He was changed.

I thought it was just that.

And then that lonesome line on a singular page. And then the afterword section.  To know that it was not just a story, but it is actually inspired from something real like Livy (Olivia Clemens) and Youth (Samuel Clemens) makes it so so beautiful.

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gone

The absence is its new presence
I’ll try not to think about it
Now I am thinking about it.

It’s gone.
March forward
It’s the best choice left
Right?

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Business Letters

I don’t know
But, yeah.
I just noticed,
They are heartless
Emotionless
Too formal
It’s business
Yip. It is how it is
supposed to be
Full of rules.

They are useful
For sure
Full of intent &
Rich in content
The trick is to not forget
To put some serious tone in it
Abstain from cool
Otherwise
You’ll sound like a fool

Lovingly yours,
Nope.
It displays affection
This is a serious business
You can’t use that
Warmly,
Umm..
Nor that
Use this instead
Respectfully yours,
Sounds respectable.

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everydayness

“Still he concentrated on his stillness, on becoming inanimate, unthinking matter, on staying alive under that wide expanse of stars-not because their beauty awed him, but to live because he was so horrified of dying violently. And then again, perhaps their beauty did matter after all; perhaps it was enough to live without guarantees, without certainty. Perhaps he wanted to survive this night, not just because he was terrified, but because he would like to share breakfast with his wife again, and to feel the morning dew on his feet as he walked to the club, and to be able to stare across the sixth hole of those volcanoes, so utterly alien from his Missouri home, so astounding-silent giants that sneaked up on him daily, startling him again and again, as if he had no memory from the previous day”

-Sylvia M. Shaw, The Coffin

Those lines are long, and those words remind me of something. I guess it is way far easier for us to get tired or bored of the sameness of the things that surround us each day. For instance–my white study table, the floor I walked on everyday, the door in my room, the places, events, and people that I see each day. The sameness is even more visible and noticeable to me when I think of the world that likes movement and change, of newness and excitement. Even I sometimes dislike hitting replay. Whilst changes and newness are truly fantastic and excellent,  those that are familiar, timeless, classic, those that remain stubbornly the same no matter what, the unsurprisingly daily, the uncomplicated are just earnestly lovely as well.

That singular paragraph reminded me that there is also beauty in the mundanity of daily life. And sometimes we don’t get to notice that the things that we repeat again and again-the shared meals with our family, the plant you water daily, the daily cleaning, the tree that sways with the daily wind, the familiar voice you hear each day, the laughter on shallow reasons, the daily preparation of spoons and forks for every meal, the turning on and off of lights, the opening and closing of windows, the daily conversations, the trivial arguments and all the other excessively, overly familiar, common, unsurprising, unexciting, daily things, people, and events are really precious and beautiful as they are. Yes, just as they are. To feel them in our senses and see them again and again each day like the circling of a circle warms the heart. And probably in seasons of letting go, they are the hardest to forget.

But nothing really stays the same, and the true magic is to feel them while they are present, while they are happening. Some call it the ‘now moments’, the enjoyment in the presence of the now. It’s precious. To be present and just feel the things around you.

Sometimes we forget to sit, be still and just appreciate because of the too many things to think about in this world. I’d like to take time and pause a little and be fond of the eveydayness of a day. To just revel in what is around us as if we have no memory of them. As if they are always new, and as if you are also new.

Always, the impermanence of life never fails to remind me to express appreciation and love to the things, people, and daily events around me that are surely temporary. This story tells me to live as if I have no past, no baggage to carry, like a clean new slate. In that way I would be able to see things always with new eyes even if nothing really has changed. It is like appreciating what is. I feel thankful of my life. And because I know that I am physically temporary, then it is my joy to celebrate this life while I still can. Love yours too.

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