layers of perspectives

There was a time when my friend asked me to see a horror film with her, and I second guessed myself if I would go with her since I haven’t really seen the first installment of the movie. It was about a clown who feeds on the fears of the characters and scare them to death and then kill them. My friend convinced me enough that I would still understand the entire film even if I haven’t really seen its first installment. I was in full anticipation about the frightening parts of the movie, waiting for myself to scream from dread or respond like I am really watching a horror film. But then I ended up watching the movie in silence, as if suspended in a moment, because I got a sense that what I was seeing in the big screen are aspects of myself similar to those characters. I saw the film and received it in a different layer of perspective. Who would have thought that a horror film would be an emotional movie for me?

I saw in the characters what I actually feel when I recall the difficult memories that I once thought I cannot heal or integrate within me. You know that moment when you are just sitting in a chair, and the weather is fine, and the place is calm but your mind is in a memory lane that takes you in a difficult past, and it becomes more and more, and clearly darker and darker..And then you come back in the present moment realizing that minutes or even hours had gone by. Watching that movie, I recalled the version of me who would just freeze and be paralyzed in a second because my mind is flooded with things and memories from the past- those that haunt me, those that I would ask God for help because I feel like I can’t breathe when I think about them. I dunno about you.. but I think those characters are real life projections of people who experienced difficult or abusive relationships, who were bullied, or mistreated emotionally, physically or mentally in different forms by authorities, by the society, by the world or even by people who you thought would love and accept you. I think there are many people who experience that, myself included.

I guess what I am trying to say is that, I’ve experienced it on my own as well, and that it was not easy. It was so heavy and painful in the mind and heart. Some people would even get lost in the darkness because they can’t find their way out, and just suffer more. I think people have hidden wounds, and we end up attracting those who are wounded as well, or we end up hurting others because we never know how to heal our own.

To you who have experience a difficult past, or still experiencing it, trust that healing abounds. A friend of mine once told me to give myself the gift of closure. And it’s true, simply because you deserve peace of mind and heart. In your healing journey you will encounter that indestructible part of you that is untainted no matter how deeply wounded you think you are. You’ll feel its constant presence within you. You will see yourself capable of healing your own inner wounds, realizing you are the love that you are looking for. There is that day too when you will stand tall in full appreciation of what you have become after everything that has happened to you.

There is also that day when you would feel okay to tell your own story to others and more importantly to yourself without shame or guilt anymore. You will own your own story, and say to yourself ‘it was what it was’, and then take one more step forward. You would feel that sense of thankfulness because you know now that those experiences led you to feel your own power and see who you really are. And maybe yes, there will still be times when a small thing like a horror film could remind you of a difficult past, but you become better in unfreezing those paralyzing moments..because you know that you know better now.

Memories can be indelible. I hope you create more of those golden, delicate, and beautiful ones, as many as you can. Those that when you remember them, you smile or maybe even laugh. Create beautiful relationships and be mindful about your actions or words because they can build or destroy a life. They echo through eternity..Just love.

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the heart remembers

I haven’t really known the artists named Ulay and Marina, until I’ve come across a video of them meeting again after many years. And my heart just melted(ahhhh). It was like that feeling of instantly recognizing a person that you haven’t seen for a long time. I think you would lose dependencies on time, and you just have that one moment of connection with a person you’ve always known. No words were even uttered, it was just that deep look in their eyes as if telling each other how long the journey has been to get to that beautiful moment, and that the resonating connection they have still remains. It was never lost in the time that they were apart. It feels like opening a door in your heart once again, and you know that only that person can open. It’s true, the mind can maybe forget, but the heart always remembers. And that love dissolves many boundaries in an instant.Words even fall short on how I can describe the way I perceived their experience, and I think it’s way far more richer to them..and I feel truly happy to see such a beautiful reconnection.

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at least we’re free

There was a time when I had a hard fight with someone close to my heart, and it didn’t truly feel good. Days ended up in several months of not talking. It isn’t a fun process on how when people become adults, and saying sorry becomes harder do. But, I feel now that it’s okay to feel the way we feel, even if differently. At least it’s true, and at least we’re free..

xxx

Hey you
Thought in my mind
I don’t know what happened to us
I don’t know why we created something like this
I feel sad about it
I really do
You say I hurt you
Do you know you hurt me too?
Those dagger sharp words we threw to each other
Little did we know they echo..
They leave scars like emotional residues
So what now?
After all those long fights
We used to solve them with a simple hi
But this one feel so big
Isn’t it?
I wonder how this one ends
When we keep on choosing the same thing
I wonder if there is anything that I should do
When honestly I feel like ending this is
Asking too much from you
Or that doing so..
I should feel differently than I do
I feel sad, but what can I do?
I love you
Yes. That one is true
I wish you happiness in your life
Maybe you’re right
We’re done needing each other
I am surrendering thoughts of you
As a proof of my love to you
I let go of the idea of how I created you in my mind
And just let my heart remember you
I free myself from difficult thoughts of you
You added clarity in my life
It’s okay if we feel this way
We’re maybe not friends now
But at least we’re free..

BambooEyegalsses

here again

I like it when it’s just us
There are no worries too heavy
That we can’t deal
It’s like you are a beautiful reflection of me
Like a soul sister in this exquisite life
Telling me something I can’t even express
I like your loud silence
Your relaxed persistence
Sometimes you talk too much too
More than I can listen
I admire our kind of non-sense
But your depths are sometimes deeper than mine
And yet, I still I enjoy diving there with you
My time shared with you
Is never stained in blue
I love all moments with you
Always wishing that it just wouldn’t end
Until it’s up
And we bid goodbye again
And we live separately again
It’s crazy how seconds turn to hours
And hours to days, and years and then lifetime
And we change so fast too
Along with those lines
So distant for years
Even barely seeing each other in a year
But when we meet again
In that starlit open night sky
Carelessly watching Luna screaming her yellow light
I feel like we’re just like our yesterdays
And we start telling our adventures
And journeys and stories
And we never get tired to listen
To the thoughts in our mind
Ahh..I can’t help but just smile
That after many times of waiting
I finally see your eyes again
That cloud of once a distant rain
Is here with me in a rooftop again..
My soul sister is in front of me again

BambooEyeglasses

02052020

Hey Pops
Happy birthday!
It’s been so many many many years
And still I know you’re just here
I know your here
In my mind and heart
Thank you for making me possible
I love you to eternity
I feel your presence in every fiber of my being
I am a footprint of your love
A proof of your existence
A living artifact of your love
I hold on to the memories of you
To the golden memories of your life
Of our short time together
They are not lost in me
They are testaments of your love to me
Even if our time together was short
You are an indelible memory
That time can’t erase
I’ll always remember you forever
And ever and ever and ever..
I love you pops!

BambooEyeglasses

just for you

Restlessness
That’s how you feel
It seems like there is no time to just sit and relax
No time to pause
No time to reflect and introspect
You’re tired again
Of those cloudy thoughts
Going to different directions
You feel left out
You feel like everyone knows
Exactly what they want
And you’re not
It’s like spiralling down once again
Over and over again
To that endless space of nowhere
But hey,
You know better now
Don’t you?
Accept all of these things in your head
Because you know now that
It is only in owning them,
that you can change them
that you can feel better about them
You stand in silence again
While observing and feeling old versions of you
Nothing wrong with that too-
You still love that kind of you
Who loves no matter what
That’s adorable of you
Selfless, but sometimes it empties you
And then, you set your standards so high
Just to protect and guard you
But when you fall in love once again
It is as if you forget all your reasons altogether again
You don’t know how to stop that kind of you
That kind of you
Who just loves and lives like that
It’s fine, it’s a quality that makes you You
But you also now know
That there’s a newer version of you
Who knows how to be selfish enough too
And puts oneself first
Took a long time to learn that
To give birth to that kind of you
That kind of you who loves yourself too
That new kind of you
Who gives everything up
Even the things that are dear in one’s heart
Just to give in to self-love
Just so you can feel yourself again
That love that’s not false
That eternally loves you
That love that requires no proving
Looks and requires nothing from you
That which is secure and unshaken
No striving required
No effort required
That which you know is within
You love in different ways huh,
You sometimes go to that one that exhausts and empties you
And then go back again to that one that fills and overflows
You and that beating heart of yours
You like the one that consumes and breaks you too,
And then you go back to the one that frees you and makes you whole
You keep running on circles dear
When will you stop seeking
That which you already have?
That exhausting fight against yourself
Many times, drains you
Over and over again
But just remember
You know better now
You’re inner reserve always calls you in
If you feel broken
Reminding you of the beauty of your light
Brighten up, lighten up
You know you can see and feel it
That flare of your inner love
Is always there
Glowing, sparkling, beaming
All the time
Just for you.

BambooEyeglasses

 

 

thank you 2019!

Time flies really fast, another year has ended and I truly feel thankful in this beautiful year. There are eventful moments and moments that are solemn and tranquil. I love them all. I appreciate all of those. And the same with the previous years of this life there are beautiful and golden treasures that I experienced this year. And then again I would like to put them into words even if words are not enough just so maybe I could catch a glimpse of how it feels to be in year 2019 again. This year…

I turned 26.

Yasss.. I always feel thankful that my age increases (haha). I had an ice cream party this year with friends and dinner with family! I was so happy. Sometimes when I wake up, or in those silent moments that I have, I catch myself asking the universe “why am I still alive?”, or “if i am an idea, then why is the idea still alive?”. I am in full appreciation with my inner being as I create my answers to these kind of questions. In my waking times I remind myself that this lifetime is not yet over, and I have as many chances as I want to create and re-create anything that my heart desires. Anything! It’s limitless!

I deliberately create..

I think I have fair share of difficult experiences in my life, and I know this time that I took part in the creating of those experiences. There is one beautiful lesson that I learnt and it is that “I will no longer create suffering for myself”. I think it makes sense to me, if I know how to create suffering for myself then I also know to create joy for myself. This time, I like to vibrate more joy and love for myself. I want to experience and see how my inner being feels and I know that deliberate creating is a way to do that. Let’s create our lives deliberately friends!

It’s all about love.

I think it’s true. That word called ‘love’ dissolves boundaries that we set for ourselves. I think in every journey, the encounter and connection again to that inner love is one of the greatest reasons why we even choose to begin. To remember that I always had it, that love of Source, feels like a sacred triumph. It’s like the only way to remember this truth is to choose to forget about it. And when you get to that realization that you actually always had it within you, you’d just like to go back again and again to that moment of remembering. I always have that ancient and eternal love within me and it makes me feel connected to the universe. The best part in this knowing is that you consciously create relationship with others on the foundation of love, because that is who we are – love. And if you plant love, it will just grow more and more and more…and more..

Life is all about a string of happy moments.

I appreciate this more and more each time I feel being in the present moment. There are so many times when I catch myself appreciating simple moments in life like having a meal with friends, or sitting in a nice place alone, watching television with my mother, or chatting with a friend, or just petting my cats. Those little moments that I don’t even consider as “grand” before are actually what make my life fuller and richer. Those moments are my new definition of success, those happy golden moments created in every second. I guess what I am trying to say is that, I don’t take for granted shared moments because it is all about being present in the never ending “now”. I mean it’s not just the ‘milestones’ or the life -changing events that feel “grand” to me this time, but it’s actually the string of “now” moments even how mundane it can be. It’s like eternity sounds really distant and far but I am creating it now. Eternity is always happening now. And I don’t take it for granted.

Just enjoy and lighten up!

This year, and I know in the years to come I get better in dropping things that weigh me down. I have this mantra in my mind saying “just drop it”- those difficult thoughts, guilt, anger or anything that feels heavy. Really, what’s the worst thing that could happen if I drop it? Nothing. It’s easier to let go than hold on to something that really doesn’t make you feel good. I also understand this time that I should not abandon myself in the journey of feeling good because emotions really don’t lie. It’s easy to feel good but I remind myself to just be patient with myself in my journey to feeling good. Sometimes we need to lose old and long-held beliefs so that we can see and feel our own truth, and it’s okay. It’s uncomfortable at first but eventually I’ll get to feel the relief of giving in to goodness. I realize I can always choose to lighten up because that option is always available to me.

I applied many jobs and I got rejected many times..

Hahaha. So true. I did! But it was actually fun and a bit sad at times because I ended up asking why I didn’t make it. It was like auditioning to part in a play but I didn’t make the cut. But hey! It was really a liberating experience. I even said to myself each time I applied, got into an interview or not and didn’t receive response “Today I conquered myself again” because I know that I let go of the fear of rejection and gave it a try. The beautiful part is that I got a job that I didn’t even applied for, because it came to me. I called it an inspired job and I feel truly thankful 🙂

    xxx

I am excited for this new year. I know it’s going to be beautiful and golden. Happy new year to you my friends!! May this year be a year of adventuring, loving, creating and knowing, and remembering more of who we really are..Happy new beginnings 2020!

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