It’s beautiful and sad to think how fast time slips away. The unfolding of our own individual personal stories is just amazing and rich of memories that are good, bad, crazy, dark, calm, gray, fun, exciting and so much more. And when I see myself, I am actually a summary my own memories. As they say, you are the author of your own book, you get to write each chapter. There were so many things that happened to me this year and I am full of gratitude and thankfulness for everything. There are so many reasons to be thankful and I am writing this to remind myself of this time of my lifetime 🙂 In 2018. I…
Finally. I chose to hit pause.
I must say this is one of the beautiful things that I have done to myself for a long time. I left the job that I truly love and I am so thankful for. It may sound illogical and funny, but at that specific point in time when I was asked to decide whether I will stay or not, all I know was that single wanting to go and leave. It was truly heart breaking for me and for many months I bend my mind justifying that choice. The whole experience of that journey was a mixture of painful and blissful memories. I love what I was doing but in the process I allowed myself to be okay with the red flags from people around me. I wish I acknowledged them early on, and get out, but instead I stayed for years and continued. I was running in circles within my mind for verbal, emotional, difficult words that I absorbed for the reasons like there must be a virtue in struggles. Or it’s okay when others hurt you, after all you’re just a subordinate. Or, maybe this is just really how things should be. I accumulated those suppressed feelings for a long time. I numb my feeling somehow. And that was the saddest part, because I became okay with it. It was like finding love and acceptance in the wrong place or people. (It was really a recipe for hurting oneself). Yip. Long story short I have attracted the mixture of all of those things to happen in my life.
There were times when I felt like I was the busiest bee, but I never grasp the meaning of my accomplishments. I was constantly looking for validation from others and I never truly appreciate the things that I was capable of doing because I was kind to others but not to myself. I thought I need to prove something not to myself but always to others.
And so there was this emptiness within me that I don’t know how to describe. It can’t be filled by anything I know. I understand many things intellectually but that emptiness was a very big question mark to me. I just felt empty and sad. At that time those were not just words to me, I felt them. It was really sad that the first thing that comes up to my mind the moment I wake up was the saddest thoughts. And so I left something that mattered to me for years, not mainly because of it, but because there is no denying anymore of the empty feeling that I felt. It was unthinkable and scary but I know it was the right thing that I could do for myself. I could sense at that time that it was unhealthy for myself to continue.
It is a powerful experience to give myself the time to pause. To take a break. To relax and just withdraw. It was hard and scary because it was all I know and I am really entering the unknown. I think at that time I experience separation anxiety in combination identity questioning. But I slowly released my resistance as I live each day. I started to please me and make myself happy. I learn to love myself more and more each day. To be fully accepting of who I am. I am happy because I listened to my intuition and gave myself that permission. I asked God for just a time off, a time to breathe and pause..but God gave me even more of what I’ve asked. He gave me the healing and peace that I need. The time that I detached myself from the things I am identified with was the start of me reconnecting with my Source, with my God.
I learn to value my time..
I became like a hermit for months. I disconnected myself from my friends, social media, and people I used to talk for the strong intent of really finding that connection with myself. I realized time is the most important element that I have. I felt this more when I get out from the busy life. I start to create and do many things that are not for others but are for me. It was like doing things that are just purely for my own fun without any justification. Just for fun alone. In this process I learned to be deliberate with my choices.
In this process I also learned to be open with new experiences as well. For instance, for the very first time in my life I babysit a three-year old girl for many days and we really became good friends! Hahaha! Her energy is just innocent and fun that I just enjoy every moment of being with my little friend. She turned four in November and being surrounded with her makes me really truly value play, fun, and time. I am so happy and blessed to be her friend. I really think she is a gift from God. She demonstrated to me what true fun is, what is it like once again to just be easy with life and just have fun even with the littlest reasons. I just followed her lead and I always ended up in a fun experience. It was a beautiful experience and she still visits our home almost every day! It is really fun! It’s true, the most beautiful things in life are free.
I become more aware that I am alive. I just felt it more each day. In my little mind I thought my worth revolves around my contribution to the society, or through identifications, or achievements, or just by really being useful. But then, how can it be that I still get up in the morning and just wonder, why am I still alive when I have nothing to contribute or I am nobody? Could it be that I am just really worthy of life? It’s funny that I got detached from the busy world and then fun things and life thoughts flow. I always thank God for making me feel worthy and deserving of life without justification. I felt my old beliefs are fading as I open my heart and mind to new beliefs that are more inspiring.
One time as I searched for my great grand mother’s grave, I saw one of the tombstones engraved with similar birth date as mine. I smiled and thought hmmm..this is a gentle reminder that I must really enjoy my life and use my time well 🙂 . I want to spend my time and energy to the things that are important and truly matter to me. I always want to do more and create things that make me truly happy. I think that is the best use of time.
I became Spiritual..
Yes. I do. In the times that I felt so lost and just empty, I found myself surrounded at all times with divine love that never really left me. It is always there, I always had it. In the brink of those intense mixture of sadness, emptiness, full of resistance to situations and things, I felt so alone. But as I sit with myself in the process, as I pay attention, I allowed myself to be swept in to the direction that makes me feel good each day, I felt that something within me is guiding me. As I surrender each day in the process, and just allow things to happen, I slowly opened up and really felt the connection of me and my inner being. There is this ancient and eternal love that filled my heart. It feels safe and true. It feels never ending and pure. And I always go back to that place of love each day. I found that it is really within me. In my God, I felt the peace and healing that I was looking for.
This year was the year when I really start to open up with this concept. I spend a good time on reading, listening or watching anything related to spirituality. There are many books and online sources that are available that can really help someone who’s going through a difficult time. I am being guided gently by my Source as I move through the process of healing. I am happy to say to myself this time that if all of my past meant being here in my powerful now, well then, all is well. Really. When I am in that place within me that I found, I feel that everything is just okay and I am well taken cared of, and I am worthy just as I am. I am so thankful because I can feel life again, I can feel inspiration and enthusiasm in my life again.
I am truly valuing my time now. Just the thought that I am an eternal being makes me want to burst in joy, love, gratitude and appreciation! That thought feels like real love to me. And that eternity is not just a future tense but a present tense. I feel like I am participating in the eternal journey of my soul and I feel that always in the present moment. Eternity is happening in my now. I feel really thankful.
I turned 25 this year!
Ha! I just turned 25 and that’s called silver anniversary or happy quarter of a century self! The part about being 25 that I truly love is that there is a sense of rebirth in me. It is really special for me after experiencing some dark space and finding the light again. There were so many thoughts and emotions that I reconciled with myself and I feel thankful that I felt the relief in the releasing so many things that I hold deeply in heart and memory. I am happy and thankful to live.
Wow this year was really a year of knowing myself even more. I trust the process and sit in the knowing that it’s all okay and that it’s true that there is a time for everything. I am thankful because I know I changed because of the way I feel now. It’s like feeling things, not the way I used to feel them before. I am forward-looking and things just get better and better each day.
I guess it always starts with allowing yourself the permission to love you. As Nayyirah Waheed put it so well, ““I love myself”-The quietest. Simplest. Most powerful revolution. Ever”
This is the sweetest love of all. It’s I think the understanding that in everything that I chased in this young life of mine, at some point of the chasing, I got tired and stopped running. Only to find out that I was the love that I was looking for. That not unless I know how to love and accept myself, I can never really share love to others. I think that in so many ways I have looked on love in the wrong places and people but that’s okay because my heart became bigger and my understanding became wider. And I am who I am now because of those experiences and I know I going learn more.
Happy New Year friends! May this new year be full of new adventures, love, and blessings for all of us! Happy 2019!!