thankfulness

The universe is so big. And sometimes it feels overwhelming to me, and that I hope I can explore it. That I can go somewhere, in someplace, and explore. But there is one more place that I want to know more, and that is the inner me. I want to explore this inward place that I found. I rest in the knowing that as I stare upwards in the sky, it is not really that far because it exists within me. That I am part of a divine whole. We are our own universe. And all of our dreams and beautiful thoughts are not really far because they exist within us. Those beautiful dreams are yours for eternity. As for me,I am happy to live and create.I am immensely thankful to still have the chance to breathe, create, live and thankfully witness my own becoming. I love knowing each day, little by little, what am I all about..

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thank you 2018

It’s beautiful and sad to think how fast time slips away.  The unfolding of our own individual personal stories is just amazing and rich of memories that are good, bad, crazy, dark, calm, gray, fun, exciting and so much more. And when I see myself, I am actually a summary my own memories. As they say, you are the author of your own book, you get to write each chapter. There were so many things that happened to me this year and I am full of gratitude and thankfulness for everything. There are so many reasons to be thankful and I am writing this to remind myself of this time of my lifetime 🙂 In 2018. I…

Finally. I chose to hit pause.

I must say this is one of the beautiful things that I have done to myself for a long time. I left the job that I truly love and I am so thankful for. It may sound illogical and funny, but at that specific point in time when I was asked to decide whether I will stay or not, all I know was that single wanting to go and leave. It was truly heart breaking for me and for many months I bend my mind justifying that choice. The whole experience of that journey was a mixture of painful and blissful memories. I love what I was doing but in the process I allowed myself to be okay with the red flags from people around me. I wish I acknowledged them early on, and get out, but instead I stayed for years and continued. I was running in circles within my mind for verbal, emotional, difficult words that I absorbed for the reasons like there must be a virtue in struggles. Or it’s okay when others hurt you, after all you’re just a subordinate. Or, maybe this is just really how things should be. I accumulated those suppressed feelings for a long time. I numb my feeling somehow. And that was the saddest part, because I became okay with it. It was like finding love and acceptance in the wrong place or people. (It was really a recipe for hurting oneself). Yip. Long story short I have attracted the mixture of all of those things to happen in my life.

There were times when I felt like I was the busiest bee, but I never grasp the meaning of my accomplishments. I was constantly looking for validation from others and I never truly appreciate the things that I was capable of doing because I was kind to others but not to myself. I thought I need to prove something not to myself but always to others.

And so there was this emptiness within me that I don’t know how to describe. It can’t be filled by anything I know. I understand many things intellectually but that emptiness was a very big question mark to me. I just felt empty and sad. At that time those were not just words to me, I felt them. It was really sad that the first thing that comes up to my mind the moment I wake up was the saddest thoughts. And so I left something that mattered to me for years, not mainly because of it, but because there is no denying anymore of the empty feeling that I felt. It was unthinkable and scary but I know it was the right thing that I could do for myself. I could sense at that time that it was unhealthy for myself to continue.

It is a powerful experience to give myself the time to pause. To take a break. To relax and just withdraw. It was hard and scary because it was all I know and I am really entering the unknown. I think at that time I experience separation anxiety in combination identity questioning. But I slowly released my resistance as I live each day. I started to please me and make myself happy. I learn to love myself more and more each day. To be fully accepting of who I am. I am happy because I listened to my intuition and gave myself that permission. I asked God for just a time off, a time to breathe and pause..but God gave me even more of what I’ve asked. He gave me the healing and peace that I need. The time that I detached myself from the things I am identified with was the start of me reconnecting with my Source, with my God.

I learn to value my time..

I became like a hermit for months. I disconnected myself from my friends, social media, and people I used to talk for the strong intent of really finding that connection with myself. I realized time is the most important element that I have. I felt this more when I get out from the busy life. I start to create and do many things that are not for others but are for me. It was like doing things that are just purely for my own fun without any justification. Just for fun alone. In this process I learned to be deliberate with my choices.

In this process I also learned to be open with new experiences as well. For instance, for the very first time in my life I babysit a three-year old girl  for many days and we really became good friends! Hahaha! Her energy is just innocent and fun that I just enjoy every moment of being with my little friend. She turned four in November and being surrounded with her makes me really truly value play, fun, and time. I am so happy and blessed to be her friend. I really think she is a gift from God. She demonstrated to me what true fun is, what is it like once again to just be easy with life and just have fun even with the littlest reasons. I just followed her lead and I always ended up in a fun experience. It was a beautiful experience and she still visits our home almost every day! It is really fun! It’s true, the most beautiful things in life are free.

I become more aware that I am alive. I just felt it more each day.  In my little mind I thought my worth revolves around my contribution to the society, or through identifications, or achievements, or just by really being useful. But then,  how can it be that I still get up in the morning and just wonder, why am I still alive when I have nothing to contribute or I am nobody? Could it be that I am just really worthy of life? It’s funny that I got detached from the busy world and then fun things and life thoughts flow. I always thank God for making me feel worthy and deserving of life without justification. I felt my old beliefs are fading as I open my heart and mind to new beliefs that are more inspiring.

One time as I searched for my great grand mother’s grave, I saw one of the tombstones engraved with similar birth date as mine. I smiled and thought hmmm..this is a gentle reminder that I must really enjoy my life and use my time well 🙂 . I want to spend my time and energy to the things that are important and truly matter to me. I always want to do more and create things that make me truly happy. I think that is the best use of time.

I became Spiritual..

Yes. I do. In the times that I felt so lost and just empty, I found myself surrounded at all times with divine love that never really left me. It is always there, I always had it. In the brink of those intense mixture of sadness, emptiness, full of resistance to situations and things, I felt so alone. But as I sit with myself in the process, as I pay attention, I allowed myself to be swept in to the direction that makes me feel good each day, I felt that something within me is guiding me. As I surrender each day in the process, and just allow things to happen, I slowly opened up and really felt the connection of me and my inner being. There is this ancient and eternal love that filled my heart. It feels safe and true. It feels never ending and pure. And I always go back to that place of love each day. I found that it is really within me. In my God, I felt the peace and healing that I was looking for.

This year was the year when I really start to open up with this concept. I spend a good time on reading, listening or watching anything related to spirituality.  There are many books and online sources that are available that can really help someone who’s going through a difficult time. I am being guided gently by my Source as I move through the process of healing. I am happy to say to myself this time that if all of my past meant being here in my powerful now, well then, all is well. Really. When I am in that place within me that I found, I feel that everything is just okay and I am well taken cared of, and I am worthy just as I am. I am so thankful because I can feel life again, I can feel inspiration and enthusiasm in my life again.

I am truly valuing my time now. Just the thought that I am an eternal being makes me want to burst in joy, love, gratitude and appreciation! That thought feels like real love to me. And that eternity is not just a future tense but a present tense. I feel like I am participating in the eternal journey of my soul and I feel that always in the present moment. Eternity is happening in my now. I feel really thankful.

I turned 25 this year!

Ha! I just turned 25 and that’s called silver anniversary or happy quarter of a century self! The part about being 25 that I truly love is that there is a sense of rebirth in me. It is really special for me after experiencing some dark space and finding the light again. There were so many thoughts and emotions that I reconciled with myself and I feel thankful that I felt the relief in the releasing so many things that I hold deeply in heart and memory. I am happy and thankful to live.

Wow this year was really a year of knowing myself even more. I trust the process and sit in the knowing that it’s all okay and that it’s true that there is a time for everything. I am thankful because I know I changed because of the way I feel now. It’s like feeling things, not the way I used to feel them before. I am forward-looking and things just get better and better each day.

I guess it always starts with allowing yourself the permission to love you. As Nayyirah Waheed put it so well, ““I love myself”-The quietest. Simplest. Most powerful revolution.  Ever”

This is the sweetest love of all. It’s I think the understanding that in everything that I chased in this young life of mine, at some point of the chasing, I got tired and stopped running. Only to find out that I was the love that I was looking for. That not unless I know how to love and accept myself, I can never really share love to others. I think that in so many ways I have looked on love in the wrong places and people but that’s okay because my heart became bigger and my understanding became wider. And I am who I am now because of those experiences and I know I going learn more.

Happy New Year friends! May this new year be full of new adventures, love, and blessings for all of us! Happy 2019!!

-BambooEyeglasses

Where do I go from here?

I checked my drafts and saw this unpublished piece that I wrote on the sixth of March, 2016 at 5:16 pm. Reading this today in my room made me truly smile. The title I had for this before was “Where do I go from here?” and maybe at that time, I truly have no answer. I cannot exactly remember what was I feeling before, or undergoing before. And now, two years later all I can answer to myself is “self I don’t precisely know where, but for sure it’s going to be fun getting there, so relax”. 

oOo

[where do i go from here?]

There is this line in one popular love song  that says “where do I go from here?”

When people ask me about where will I go after doing the thing that I am doing today, I feel stagnant for a while. I feel weirdly weird about my feelings on the prospect of the word ”end”. It’s really easy to forget the now, once you entertain the idea of future.

But what if I’m finally done with what I do now? Really. Surely God has already prepared a beautiful path for me. And when I will be there in that path, I will maybe look back in appreciation with what will I write this time.

When I am done with this journey…

I will remember this, the strange bliss that I always get from my job as a young research apprentice. It is always pure bliss for me when I see my teachers. All the Sirs and Ma’ams.. They are the people who help me in my art. In the art of research that I truly love and admire.

I will never forget their words and teachings. Their encouragements and voice maybe.
I will truly miss the amazing emails that I get. One hundred years from now (hahaha, I hope I am still alive), my heart will remember them still. They shaped me somehow. When I get old and have my own family and friends somewhere in this planet, maybe I will come across a situation or circumstance that will remind me of them, of their voice, of their eyes, of their hands, of their smile, of their eyebrows, everything about the presence of them. And I will miss it. So I delight their words,presence ,joy, laughter, anger, their warmth in the present because I know that being with them physically is not forever. And because I know I will meet many more life teachers too. I cherish them.

I will miss my friends and co-workers. The farmers, the janitors, the guards, the accountants, the drivers, the clerks. They may not directly influenced me in super technical ways. Or they have in their own unique ways..But sure they were there in the whole process. I love them and their faces.  And their occasional anger too. Haha. They made me do great things. I love them.

I will miss my co-workers. They are joy to me and constant companion too. They are part of my growth and we were together in everything that we do. I love them too, always and forever.

It’s easy to cancel the goodness of the present when one is so overwhelmed with the past and the future. The secret is in the present, the say. I think, it is the way we connect with people. As they say, you will maybe not remember the technical things, but you can remember how they made you feel. I hope when they think of me, they will remember me as a good person who loves and admires them.

oOo

Ha! 🙂 I can finally set these written words free. Yip. I love all those who were part of that chapter of my life. There are several more people who I journeyed with in the following years after I wrote that, and I still feel the same appreciation and love  for them  today.  I spent my early twenties doing a project with them, living with them each day, and though my presence in that project is no longer needed, I know it will continue excellently. I have nothing left in my heart but appreciation. I love it, I love all of them. I really do. The cliche is true, the journey is the reward. Every single thing about that chapter, the good and the bad, I truly appreciate now. And if I may add, it’s the beautiful people in that chapter of my life who shared their time with me, who I laughed with, who I greeted good mornings and goodbyes every day, who I ate lunch with, who I cried with, who saw me in different seasons of my soul, that make me feel truly grateful and appreciative in the whole journey. 🙂 

 

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all for fun

My friend asked
So what’s your plan now?
I just smiled,
“I have no plan”
And then waved goodbye on her

Just now
I think I have my answer
“To just spend my time,
doing the funniest things I know”
That’s my plan.

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adam & eve

“To wheresover she was, there was Eden”
-Mark Twain

This lonesome line on a singular page  from “The Diaries of Adam & Eve” by Mark Twain literally gave me a reaction of ahhh.. (in the saddest tone) and then, pause. Pause for fraction of minutes. One sentence described it all. That’s how much he loved her and even more. And that’s the gravity of his grief too when she was gone. She was his Eden.

Not only that. On afterword section, I learnt that he wrote this in remembrance of Livy, his wife. Once more, my heart melted. It was actually more than I thought it was.

At the start it was— Eve was naturally loving and affectionate to all creatures and things around her. She knows how to flow her feelings while Adam is the opposite. At the start, all that mattered to him was survival and doesn’t care too much on loving what is around him in the same way as Eve cares. When he sees flowers, then they are just flowers, just like that. No big deal. Eve on the other hand describes them by color and feels them. She delights on everything. She delights discovery, naming things, and putting meaning on them. She feels. She cares. That’s her way of loving them. Adam can feel too, but not like Eve.

Eve made Adam feel what is love, not by teaching him, but by being the feeling itself. By being love. And so Adam set his eyes on her and then everything started. He finally felt what Eve feels. It’s like everything around him has no meaning, and then Eve came. He was changed.

I thought it was just that.

And then that lonesome line on a singular page. And then the afterword section.  To know that it was not just a story, but it is actually inspired from something real like Livy (Olivia Clemens) and Youth (Samuel Clemens) makes it so so beautiful.

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gone

The absence is its new presence
I’ll try not to think about it
Now I am thinking about it.

It’s gone.
March forward
It’s the best choice left
Right?

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